Monday, November 26, 2012

nov 2012..... done with my journey

After waiting almost a whole year to continue on with my reconstruction and getting  my nipples and tattooing done, I have been told I should not go through with it:( I have had to many complications with the infections (celluisis of the breast). My doc feels that by doing the surgery I could be risking getting the infection again. The results could turn out bad. I really was looking forward to seeing myself somewhat "whole" after all these years. I will take my doctors advice and not continue. He advised me that if I did get an infection in the reconstructed nipples it could be very painful and difficult to clear it up. I am looking pretty good for being reconstructed and It could damage the results further... I do not want that. My birthday is tomorrow and I thank God I am alive 4 1/2 years later:) It has been a long haul but I did it. I am gonna get fake tattoos and have keith apply them for me. just so I have some nipples. idk

Sunday, September 2, 2012

my beautiful joy RIP

Well 2012 has been going well for me untill August, 21 2012. My best friend of 23 years was riding her bike on her dirt road and was hit by a car and died:( I am heartbroken. I am trying to just go day to day. I had lots of posts of my friend Joy and how much she has helped me during my cancer journey. I am still in dis belief that this has happened. Just not fair. I will be ready to finish my reconstruction soon and she was gonna be the first to see the end results. I need God's strength more than ever now.... 

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Happy New Year 2012

Seems that my page has been down. Lots has happening these last few months. the expander went in with no problems. On Nov 29 2011 I finally had my implant put in. After all them months with no reassurance of cellulitsis, I get it again! The doc admits me right away. I spent a whole week up on the 4th floor. I went in on the 19th of Dec and did not get out until the day before Christmas, the 24th. Keith had to do all the Christmas shopping for the boys and he had to grocery shop for Christmas dinner and he did all the cooking. I love that guy:) He took such good care of the house and the boys the week I was gone:) I am not sure about the doctors. One says possibly lymphedema and one says cellulitsis. I am confused. I do know that I can not afford to be hospitalized twice a year for this issue. I was so ready to move on with my reconstruction and finally end this chapter of my life. Not gonna happen, just yet. As of today, the infection is gone. I see my reconstruction doc on Monday. I am curious as to what he says. I have not seen him since being hospitalized.I hope 2012 brings me happiness:)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

surgery #8 DONE:) expander put in

After a long nine months I finally went in for surgery yesterday (Aug, 9 2011) I got the tissue expander placed in on my left side. Doc Gavagahan was able to even pump me up a bit. Feels good to have some breast:) I have the wrap on so I cannot see to much, but I trust my Doc. I do see cleavage and just knowing that I am finally on my way to being done with reconstruction makes me happy. I have seen Liane and Sue's end results for their breast cancer and I have decided I will get the tattooing and nipple done at the doctors office. Liane has beautiful fairies tattooed on her breasts, that she had done at a tattoo shop and Sue has the normal nipple and tattooing from the Doc. I feel that with all the problems I have had, getting some cool tattoo may not be my best choice. These past three years have been rough but I made it so far:)
I did find out last week that I now have three budging discs in my neck. I only had one last year. I am having some strange back pain and did get an ex ray. Waiting on the results from that. My medical doc feels I need physical therapy for my neck and back. I am still always in pain but I just live with it as best I can. I stretch and take my meds when needed. I hate getting old!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Mickey called yesterday. My surgery will not be untill the end of July or beginning of Aug. she will call me by next week with the date. Looks like it is gonna be a long, hot summer. This prosthesis bra sucks. Hard to believe I will be cancer free three years in a few months. Now to just get the reconstruction completed and stay healthy.

Monday, May 16, 2011

The waiting game

Well, it has been over a week and I still have not heard from the nurse as to when my surgery will be. I seem to restless waiting. I am so tired of this all. I cannot wait for it to be finished! I think I may be hitting the premenapause stage in my life. I hate myself at times. I need to find a hobby. Something to keep me busy.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

reconstruction a long ways away

I found out some upsetting news yesterday. I go to see my reconstruction Doc next month but I will not be able to get into surgery ( to get my expander put in) for a least two months after that. I have waited patiently for the six months to pass. I am ready. I am finding that trying on summer clothes is depressing. Nothing looks good. Having one implant and the other side is sunken in and flat, sucks. I have decided to use my blog to express my emotions that are going crazy. I have been through way to much. I also am still dealing with the pain 80% of the time... Degenerative disc disease, I am not told. In my neck.... I just want to go back to the day when I felt whole and happy. God I ask for comfort.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I have been feeling pretty good. I am thinkin my infection is gone for good. I go on Monday to get my staples out. I am now wearing my mastectomy bra I bought when I was first diagnosed. I never really wore it back then so, now i will use it. Six months is a long time to go with only one "breast" but I try not to let it get me down. It is temporary.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Hospitilized 11/24-11/27/2010

I had gotten the cellulitisis again Tuesday night. By Wed. it was all inflamed and hurting real bad again. This is two times this month:(. I went to Dr. Carley(med. doc) and he called Dr. Gavaghan and together they decided it needs to come out TODAY. I was admitted to PHH and Dr Gavaghan came to town to remove it. I will have to go without an implant until I get rid of this infection completely. I was told It will be six months before I can get it replaced. In the mean time..... I have a drain tube and staples keeping me closed up.I spent three nights and four days in the hospital. I came home on my birthday. Just a normal day:( And I kinda feel like I may have some nerve damage. I look pretty gross, all sunk in

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

still heading backwards:(

Just found out today from my oncologist that my ultra- sound done last week shows two abscesses in my left breast. I wonder if that will change how fast I go for surgery. I am worried now. I do not like having two abscesses and the celulitsis in my breast. I will call Doc Gavagahan tomorrow.

one step forward... two steps back:(

I did see Doc Gavagahan on Fri.... He is going to remove my implant, clean me up and flush me out real good and then replace the implant. He agrees with me... it is time to remove it. To many infections. I will go for surgery in Jan. He is very busy and totally full for appointments:( I hate having to wait two months to take care of this problem.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

It has a bit since I posted. I did start the epidural steroid shots. I just had my second one. I have to say... I do not have as much pain so I think it is working.I get one more in a month. I have again ( for the third time since being hospitalized)have cellulitsis in my left breast. If the meds work I will not have to be hospitalized. Just a wait and see. With having to be rushed to the ER and admitted the first time I got this shit, I am a bit nervous:( I see Dr Gavagahan on Fri. my thoughts are remove this implant and clean me all out. Then either put a new implant in at that time or wait and heal completely before putting the implant in. I will see what Doc says.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

injections for my herinated dics

I have decided to try the steroid injections to help with the pain in my neck. I have a pinched nerve (discbuldging with pinching of the nerve at C5-6, herinanted disc) I was told by the orthopedic surgeon (Dr. Pasia ) that these shots may help. The name...... cervical steroid epidural injections. Sounds kinda scarry but better than surgery. That may be my next option. I cannot live with the constent pain I have daily. The doc. said I would be a good candidate for the surgery. The name...... Anterior cervical discectomy and fusion c 5-6 . Lets just hope the injections and excercises will help.

celulitsis back again,

8/04/10
Well, what started out as a journal and reminder for myself about my cancer journey.... Has now turned into, all my ailments.
Went to my OBGYN (Dr. Hamblin) for a bladder infection, first thing this morning. If it is not one thing with me it is another!! I noticed also that my celulitsis has returned. Same breast, same spot. Dr. Hamlin prescribed Leviquin again for me and told me to follow up with Dr. Brooks. I did see Dr. Brooks this afternoon. Another 30.00 co pay.... I learned nothing new bout the infection. He will get a culture (which will take a few days) and hopefully the Leviquin will take the infection away once and for all. I will take it for six weeks. The doctors thoughts are that by taking the script for a longer amount of time, it will get rid of it. My breast is pretty red now, and this bladder infection is very very painful, and the heranated disc in my neck is still making my life very uncomfortable. I often wonder if my life will ever be painfree, like before.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I finally went to see the orthopedic doctor (Dr. Makim) today. I was surprised to hear... My rota tor cuff is fine. It is not torn like I was told. I guess the radiologist at the hospital got is wrong, that is a good thing. Now I know the pain is from the pinched nerve in my neck. I have an appointment with The spine surgeon on Tues the 20th. I have decided to see both of these doctors at Orthopedic Associates in town here. They took great care of my husband as well as my kids.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

pinched nerve?

I went to see Dr. Alsawa for my breast last week. The cellulitisis is back again! More meds and just pray I do not end up in the hospital again. I cannot afford all the bills. Dr. also told me I have a pinched nerve and a torn rotor cuff. I was told by the nurse the week before the pain in my neck, shoulder and arm is cervical spondylosis. I am confused. I was so worried about that and now not sure. I see the neurosurgeon next month. I cannot stand the pain anymore. I may call chiropractor today.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

more problems

I am still waiting to see the neurosurgeon, my appointment is not untill the end of next month. I was hoping I could go to a neurologist. I have been doing my own research about this cervical spondylosis I have. From what I have read, surgery is the last resort. I called my oncologist and asked about it. The nurse said he feels I need to see the surgeon. I may need surgery???? I am going in to see him today. I need to know what is up. The kind breast cancer I had normally starts in the neck and glands. They are telling me I have a form of neck arthritis. Do I have neck cancer now??? Then, to make matters worse. I have noticed that my left breast is getting red again. It comes and goes just like before I was hospitalized for celulitisis. It is sore too. I hope the celultisis is not coming back.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Answers to my neck and shoulder pain

My oncologist sent me for an MRI and found I have degenerative disc changes and a torn rotor cuff. What is gonna happen next! I am waiting for the Nero surgeon to call for an appointment.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mothers Day

I miss my mom so much. It has been almost 21 years since we lost her to breast cancer. She was a fighter. I give her more credit than me. Happy Mothers Day Mum. I am feeling depressed again. Not sure why I feel this way but I hate it.My chest is all healed up. No more infection. I saw Dr. Brooks ( disease specialist);last week and all seems fine. Dr Gavagahan will see me in August to move on to the nippling and tattooing.He wants to put me on antibiotics a week before we do the surgery. Just to be safe. My right breast is dropping too. I do not expect my breasts to be perfect but It is really looking lower than the left side. I worry about it getting worse. Dr. Gavagahan will take a look at them in August and I may need a lift. We will see.Molly has gotten some unsettling news recently. A dense area on her chest. They will check it again in 6 weeks. Prayers to her!!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I am still leaking from my incision. It is strange. Some days nothing....other days lots of fluid leaking.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

recovering

Getting better every day. My meds (reflex) gives me yeast infection, always does. sucks. I woke up this morning and I am leaking now from the incision. Getting very confused. My last surgery was 10 months ago. I would think that the areas are all healed. The doctors came to the conclusion while I was hospitalized that when Dr. Gavagahan pinched that area, he may have just released the infection. It could have been there for awhile.Dr. Alsawa says leaking is normal and just watch for the signs of infection. I see Dr G on Monday. And getting an MRI on Wed. for this pain I am still having in my neck, shoulder and arm.

off work and recovering

feeling good. Well I thought.. hospitalized 3/30/10-04/04/10

I finally had decided to go for my consultation with Dr Gavaghan for my final surgery. Getting my nipples. 3.30-10. I had noticed a small red area on my incision on my left breast. I had noticed it many times earlier but it seemed to come and go so...I though nothing of it. While Dr. Gavagahan was checking my skin playability he pinched that area and it hurt. My right side felt fine when he pinched it. I went home and went about my day. decided to wait till after summer for the surgery. I noticed while getting ready for bed the area was quite red. Maybe the size of a half dollar. The next morning it was swollen and more red. I was unable to get ahold of Dr Gavagahan ( besides he was 45 min away). I call Dr Alsawa and went in to see him. He gave me some meds and wanted me to keep a good eye on it. Report back in the morning. I get my meds and go home to take nap. I woke up about three hours later. I had the chills, bad stomach pains, and felt like I was gonna throw up. I did that. I just wanted to take a bath and warm up. My son David had to help me out of the tub and rush me to the E. R. I was admitted with Celulitis. a bacterial infection on my breast. I was hooked up to I.V's and in alot of pain. I spent 5 nights in the hospital. It was very scary. I came home on Easter. Slowly I am getting back to normal. Looks like the infection is finally gone. Spent alot of time with Jesus in the hospital. They had the Church Channel. When I was feeling better ( it took 4 days) I watched some great shows.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Will they ever find a cure?

I am saddened to say that two of my dear friends have been diagnosed with breast cancer. They both have decided on haveing a bilateral mastectomy. Liane and Sue will both be having their surgery within the next few months. I can be a great support system for both of them. I think I can say that on the subject of breast cancer....I am very knowledgeable. I feel great to be able to inform them in what is to come. I am still having lots of uncomfortable pain in my neck, upper back and shoulder. I am checking into physical therapy with therapeutic massages. I am hoping my surgery will cover it.I am gonna be due for another MRI soon. I hate the tests. I seem to get all worked up. I need to focus on today.Life is to short to worry about the "what if's".

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

bone scan clear, praise God.

I have been kinda worried these last few months. I have all of sudden been getting these aching pains in my neck, arm and upper shoulder and back. I am thankful the test was clean but, my great acc sister Molly has researched our "rare type" of breast cancer. "bones are not a common place for acc to spread, usually it goes to lungs, liver and then spine". So now I am hoping I had gotten the right test. I am due for an MRI soon and I am checking into getting Physical Therapy/massage therapy. Hopefully that will take the pain away or at least control it without meds.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

busy summer

I am back!!! I have been without a working computer for some time now. We finally got a new one, yeeeeeeee. Life has been busy for me. My last blog I was complaining about how unhappy I was with my new implants. I debated about getting a second opinion, which I did. I went ahead and had another surgery to fix my unhappiness. My breasts were very uneven. My non cancer side was all lumpy and sunken in and I could feel the implant poking out. As time went on they were starting to move farther apart. My cancer breast was almost into my side. I look and feel so much better. My new Doctor had to put meshing in my sides to keep them in place because my skin was so stretched out.I feel that my old Doctor should pay for my surgery. I am now thinking about talking to a lawyer.I am only looking for payment on this surgery. Why should I have to pay another 1,000 for his mistakes? Not to mention all the pain I went though and work I Missed. More later...........

Friday, January 23, 2009

Hockey, hockey hockey

I have been quite busy this past week. I started another part time job. I do fundraising. Right now we are calling people for a donation for the Children's Leukemia Foundation. I like the job. Soon we will be calling people on behalf of the Breast Cancer Foundation. That will be interesting. I will say.... I cannot believe how many people have lost their jobs. And many people I have spoken with have lost, or are losing their homes. The economy is so bad at this time. I thank the Lord daily that I have a home, my husband has a job and I have a warm bed to sleep in every night. So many people are suffering. I just hope and pray that God gives our new president some guidance. Is is so very sad. With me working two part time jobs, I feel like I am helping out a bit more. I am so busy working that the "C" word has not crossed my mind all week! The tournament last weekend was fun. Tyler"s team was out early but Jared's team went to the finals and took second. Jared played well. He had two hat tricks and got the trophy for MVP. Silver Sticks started last night. Tyler's first game.... we lost 7-0, The team came all the way from California. Hopefully our game tonight will be better. I think the boys were a bit nervous.This is a big thing for them. All the top teams from all over North America are here in town playing. Fun.fun,fun.I decided I will go for a second opinion on my ugly left breast! More on that later.

Friday, January 16, 2009

hockey time

My boys are in a hockey tournament this weekend. I will be spending lots of time at the rink. Seems strange to say but....I think it will be warmer in the rink than outside. It was -5 outside this morning, burrrrrrrrrr. The schools were closed because it was so cold outside. I did make an appointment with my medical surgeon for my four month follow up appointment. I am hoping he will give me his opinion on my breasts. He is the doctor that referred me to the P.S, so we will see.I also emailed Hopkins Breast Center and told them my dilemma and asked for advice. I found another part time job yesterday too. I will be working calling people asking to contribute to fundraisers. The fundraiser they are calling on now is for breast cancer. This should be enjoyable. I like talking on the phone and this cause is true to my heart. The man that hired me was very flexible with me. They were hiring people to work a minimum 16 hours a week, but he was kind enough to let work around my shift at the hospital. The company is just a few blocks away from my house so when it warms up I can walk to work. He told me I can pick up extra hours at night if I want and even come in if I have a short day at the hospital. PERFECT. I start Monday. Wish me luck. My mind has been so wacko lately, but maybe keeping busy will ease my worries.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Did I mention.... I hate the look of my left breast???????????I am so confused on what to do.
Talk to my doctor about my disappointment or just forget about it. It is just a boob right? Having one breast that looks a bit different than the other is really no big deal. It does not define who I am as a person! I am feeling much better today. I still have the nerve damage but my Lyrica takes care of that pain. My incisions look great. I guess smoking did have some effect on my healing. After having a minor setback last month, I am now 2 1/2 weeks clean from smoking again. I think this time is the last time of " trying to quit". I am doing really good. I do not think about smoking very often. I just remind myself how bad they are for my health. I never want to go back to smoking. EVER!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

good test results and good hair day!!

Today was a good day. I went to work for a few hours. I have been feeling depressed these last few days. I did go to my cancer doctor (Dr. Alsawah) on Tuesday the 6Th.. I wonder if I did things backwards? I had my breasts removed, started reconstruction surgery.. then I saw the cancer doctor. Seems to me that I would see him first. Oh well, it done with now. I did get good results on my blood work. They took blood and all my lab work came back great, and they did the CA15-3 breast cancer marker test on me. That came back normal. I understand that there is no cure for breast cancer. It can come back at any time, in the same area or somewhere else in my body. I could have cancer cells inside me still, but they are just not showing up at this time. So I guess I can say " I am cancer free at this time." AMEN!. I am all done with my surgeries and I just need to move on. I cannot keep stressing about it and wondering about the what if's. I am alive today and feeling good. I just seem to have this feeling of fear at times. I guess it is hard to explain. Unless you are diagnosed with this disease, you will never understand. My life has changed. My body is different and my mind is different. I think differently, act differently, (and not always on the positive side). I am fortunate that I did not have to do chemo. But then again. If my cancer comes back, I may not make it the second time around. If chemo does not respond to this type of cancer, then what are my options if it does come back? Everyday my mind wonders. I hate the feelings I get. Dr. Alsawah did want me to try an anti-depressant to make me feel better. I do not want to take them, I do not like the feeling of having a pill alter my mind. I just need to keep my faith and pray about it. I did have a good long talk with Keith the other day. He does not really understand what I am going through. I think he thinks it is over, now all should be back to normal. I do not think I ever will be "normal". I try to explain to him how I feel, but he does not seem to get it. He promises to try to be more understanding and I promise not to be so moody. The only problem... can I not be so moody? I cannot help it. I just have lots of mixed emotions right now. I need a vacation. I need to just get away and have some time to get my mind clear. I need lots of love and attention. I feel unloved and ugly at times. He does love me but, I need him to show me more.On the good side, my middle son (Tyler) will be playing in the Silver Sticks Hockey Tournament in a few weeks. It is a big thing for him and us. I love watching my sons play hockey. That does bring joy to me. When I am down and depressed, I just remember...... I have so much to live for. My boys need me. My little one (Jared) is such a sweety. I love my hair to be "played" with. He will ask if he can rub it for me. It feels so good! In the morning he will hold my hand so that " I do not fall down the steps". God Bless his little soul. I am sure my sons do not understand my emotions,so for them I need to clear my mind. I did get to Church this past Sunday. It sure does help me calm down and appreciate what I have. I love my church family. They all are so kind to me. I am going to get back into bible study too. I had to stop going because of hockey. In a few months hockey will be done until next season, so I can start going again. I enjoy learning about my creator. And we always have lots of munchies. As you know.... I love to eat! I did want to ask ... prayers for Diane (Joys sister). She is still surviving. They are keeping her in the hospital for the week. Joy tells me that each day she is getting weaker and weaker and the doctor said it could be days or weeks until he life on earth is over. It is so sad, but then again, Jesus is bringing another one of "his" home. I do know that she is in no pain, Jesus has his hand on her! The cancer has spread throughout her whole body now. But she has faith of a mustard seed. Keeping her eyes on the prize! Prayers to her and her family. I hope one day they have a cure for this disease. I pray my friend Molly is doing well. I pray for her always. My friend, my sister and my support! We are fighting this disease together, and we will beat it! Each day I will acknowledge something I LIKE about myself. Maybe that will help lift my spirits. Today.... I love my hair. Joy cut and colored it for me today. I went a bit darker with no highlights this time. She even waxed my eyebrows and my bit of hair on my lip, lol. I love the color. Thanks Joy. My best friend on this earth. She comforts me with her advice and her care and concern for me. I am luckey to have her in my life. Prayers to her as she remembers her father on his one year anniversery of his death. My God continue to bless you Mr. Moak and R.I.P. Night all!!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

2008 .....Thanks God It Is Over

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2008. I hope 2009 is much better for me.I am sure I am not the only one who is struggling financially. Times are tight for so many people. I need to be thankful for what I have and trust that God will take care of me. Hopefully something will change soon. I have a hard time dealing with the stress. Keith did say that he will be heading to Grand Haven to work next month, that does help us financially. He gets extra money for going and he will be working many more hours. Thank God. Now, just to relax and not worry. We always seem to work things out, but I still stress myself out to the point of making myself sick. Everyone tells me how bad the stress is on my health, especially right now. I did find a bible verse that I have to say... It Is My Favorite
TRUST THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND DO NOT LEAN ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING. IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE WILL LEAD THE PATHS STRAIGHT.
Trusting in the Lord can be hard for me at times. I am going to keep this verse close, as it reminds me that I need to stop worrying, stressing, feeling scared and letting my mind wonder, what next? how long before it comes back?. I am not in control of what happens to me. It is already planned out. I need to just live one day at a time. I need to be thankful I am breathing today!!!!

Well, I did get my implants put in on Tuesday the 30th. Hopefully this will be my last surgery for a very long time. I have had my share of being put under, that's for sure. They are alot smaller than when I had the tissue expander's in. The nurse told me that Dr. Ali could not put the 600cc in (that is how much he filled my tissue expander's). I guess my skin was to thin. He put 450cc in, which is fine with me. That is a bit confusing to me though. Why did he fill me so full in the first place?? They do look different, my cancer breast looks great, my cancer free side looks weird. A bit like a "square" shape and I have wrinkling on that side. I did mention it to my doctor,He says they look "good." hummmmm. I am not sure how I feel about it. A part of me feels that I have waited a long time for my implants and they do not look as good as I expected, then a part of me thinks, it is just boobs, move on and start living my life. With five surgeries behind me, I surely do not want to go through another one. I do feel more normal now, even though I have long scars, no nipple and they look so different, am I weird or what????. Doctor Ali told Keith at the hospital that I will not be able to have a nipple. When I saw him Tuesday he said we will see in about four months, maybe he will be able to give me a nipple. I will start the tattooing part of my reconstruction then also. When I went in for the surgery Dr. Ali did say that the small area on my right breast, that was scabbed over, still was not healing and it was ready to split open. He had to cut that area away during surgery. It is the same area that did not heal before. But all and all my fifth ( and God willing, my last) surgery went fine.With this part of my journey over, I do in a way feel relieved.Keith does not seem to have a problem with my breasts looking different, so why should I. It will only be him and I that will be looking at them. In my bra....I look fine. I did show my great friend Joy also, and she said they look fine. Am I making a big thing out of nothing?? I am planning on going to a support group, maybe someone there can give me some input.My friend Molly is concerned about chest pain she has been having. I pray for peace for her. Her chest xray came back good. She has been my support, hang in there girl. I feel like everything is going to be o.k with you. God has put you and I through enough in 2008. Lets hope 2009 will be better for both of us.Two of the women Molly has met on the rare cancer site now have had their ACCB ( adenoid cystic carcinoma of the breast) spread to their lungs. This type of cancer has a tendency to do that. That scares the crap out of me!!!!!! Lets hope that does not happen to us. I dealt with this cancer fairly well the first time, and I continue to handle it pretty good, but I am sure how I would react to a second bout of cancer. My friend Sue had said something to me that really has stuck on my brain. "I am her inspiration.". She is proud of the way I have handled things so far. And she said if she ever gets cancer she will be coming to me. I went to see Joys sister today before work. She is going up to Jesus real soon. She told Joy in her dream that Jesus was asking her, "Do You Trust Me?' I had to tell my Joy about my favorite bible verse Proverbs 3 verse 5&6. Trust the Lord with all your heart. I think that verse says it all. The cancer has taking over her whole body. She is such a young women,but she is so strong in her faith. We know where she is going..... Home. Lord Bless Her, and hold he tight!!!!

Monday, December 15, 2008

busy, busy

I have been so busy these last few weeks. My friend Molly was worried about me. So just a quick blog to let all know I am alive and well. I will be having my surgery the 30th of this month.I will be getting my implants in. Then on to the tattooing and adding a nipple. Seems kinda scary, but I am glad it is getting close to the end. I will be seeing my cancer doctor early in Jan. I am nervous about that. I just want to make sure my cancer is gone. I am ready to start living a normal life again. We have been busy with the boys and hockey. My Tyler has been on a roll. He has had 3 hat tricks the last three games. He leads in goals in the WHOLE Little Ceasers League. He is such a smart player. Christmas is nearing and I still have so many gifts to buy. We told the boys that is is going to be a small Christmas this year. Keith has been cut on hours and with my illness, we just do not have alot of money at this time. Keith took so much time off work with my surgeries, doctor visits and taking care of me, that we still have not caught up on the bills. I am sure they understand. They always get what they want. Gotta run. I will be back!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Tuesday..... are good

I went for another pump up today. I am sore, but looking good. My doctor will not tell me when I will be getting my implants. He wants to see how my pump ups go. I seem big, but he knows the size I want (c cup, like before I had my breasts removed) and I am not to that point yet. I am so used to my boobs sagging and now that they are all perky they look pretty big to me. Oh well, soon enough this will be over with. I have lots of pictures of before and through this whole journey. I cannot wait to see the outcome. I love not having to wear a bra and having cleavage. I thank the Lord for that! I will see Dr. Ali next week and hopefully I will be expanded enough to get the implants.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Another ACC sister. Prayers for her

I just read a comment from my acc sister, Molly. She informed me that we now have another young lady diagnosed with this same rare cancer we have. Seems like it is not so rare as we once thought. I try not to make cancer my whole thoughts for the day. But it is on my mind often. I have not been on the rare cancer site in a few weeks if not longer. I know how scared this young lady must be right. It brings back so many memories. Please Molly, give her my blog and email. If there is anything I can help her with, I am there for her. I know how much help you have been to me. Without you, I think this journey of mine would have been alot scarier. I love ya sister!!!!! I am almost finished with my pump ups. Once more on Tuesday and then hopefully, if all goes well, I will get the implants put in at the end of next month. I still have the tattooing and nipple to deal with, but, at least it seems like I am moving on. I just pray everyday that this cancer is gone. I will see my cancer doctor next month. Not sure what he will be doing. Hopefully some tests to just make sure it is gone. I look forward to that visit. I can't help but wonder... I am finally getting breasts, I will have the implants put in, but what if the cancer is still there or has spread? I try not to worry, but I do think about that. I just pray about it. God has the plan... I just follow it. Some day he will explain the reason why. Why me??????????

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Movie Night

I went with friends from Church to Liane and Shane's office(big, big comfy office)to see the movie Expelled. It was a good movie. Sad to see people being punished for believing in creation as apposed to evolution. Our children cannot be taught about God. our creator It is very sad. Science Teachers who believe cannot talk or even debate their feelings on the subject of creation and evolution. Read your and science books and teach it, and that is that. . I will not ruin it for those who want to see it. But, if you want to see a good movie.... rent it. Then tell me what ya think. Being with everyone from Church felt great. I actually felt the love tonight. There was sixteen of us. Pasta, pizza, bread sticks, cookies, chips and we all still had room for big bags of popcorn. And I have to mention, they had nice comfy computer chairs for all of us. Not sure what he needs all the chairs for but, I was comfortable the whole night. I never found science in school interesting and parts of the movies were hard to follow, but it kept my attention. We talked about it after and things were brought down to me level. Considering how my day went today. The night turned out great! I woke up late. The dog was laying right next to me (which he never does!) and I thought it was Keith, so I woke up late. Shortly after he leaves for work, I get up to get the boys up. So I just thought it was not time to get up and my alarm did not go off. Finally at about 7:30, I realized Keith was gone, max was my bed partner and I was late getting up! Rush, rush in the morning. Then at work I had a busy day. Well, busy for me. My friend Joy would laugh at my 3 1/2 workday. But to me... it was a busy day,lol. But I did see some beautiful newborn babies, they always bring smiles to me face. I was able to hold them all. Then kids home, homework, cleaning, and rush to get Tyler to hockey before heading out to the movie. It felt great relaxing after all of that. I even past out Avon books to the ladies there. I have some more customers, yaeeeeee. I would love to have this venture take off for me. Avon had donated so much to breast cancer cause, so this may be my calling. I also expressed my feelings and lost a friend today. How I really feel, and just about my hurt feelings. I have starting keeping a pad of paper on my dresser with "my feelings," Keith has a problem hearing "how I feel". So I express to him on paper. Instead of writing the same thing over and over, month after month, I have decided to just keep it handy and just add when I need to. With this friend we talked about it but, same type of thing..... change it around. She thought I was offended about things and it was not that at all! It was about my feelings being hurt by her many times. I am sorry she feels the way she does, and I will still pray for her.Pigging out a Chan's, I will surly miss. It has been a "roller coaster day" . I will also have my friend Marcie's family in my prayers. I complain about Keith only working 40 hours because of his hours being cut, and her husband lost his job today. I need to thank the Lord Keith is fortunate to still have a job. Marcie has always been a hard worker so, she will be helping support the family until he finds another job. God Bless Her. I know she can do it. Michelle also told us tonight at the movie that she will be losing her job. Wow, so many people are having hard times. I have lots to be thankful for. Well, unless I get to bed now, I may be waking up late again tomorrow. Liane is coming over in the morning. I get to pay my medical bills, thanks to Diane, Women's Life Insurance and my church family and everyone who contributed, I have over 1500.00 to spend. What a blessing this has been. You really find out what "true friendship" is all about. The people in your life who are there when you really need them.I love them all. I will keep them all close. Good Night

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Emotional week

It has been a rough week. I have been having a real hard time with PMS these last few week. I just get so so emotional. I have deciede that I will start taking my zanax every day. I need something to keep me calm. I get very upset and seem angry during this time. Things are all good now but wow, tough week and a half. I went for another pump-up today. I have to say again...I HAVE CLEAVAGE. I guess when I think of this journey, that is one of the things I have gained. My boobs had always been so saggy. So I am excited about that. I really need to start looking up and not being so negative. I have not been going to Church lately because of work and the boys hockey and I sure can tell. I need to "get fed". I have one more Sunday of work and then I should be able to start going again. My life seems less stressful when I am attending Church. I will have one more pump-up and then I will heal and have my implants put in around the end of December. Thanks to my friend Molly. She has been so helpful to me. I mentioned before, she had the same type of cancer as I. She helps me to know what to expect since has already "been there,done that". She is on the last procedure.... getting a new nipple. Good Luck to her, xxx. I am so glad she is in my life. I look up to her and she is my cancer sister. I get advice from her often. My nerve pain in under control except when I am PMSing It finally is calming down and not hurting so much today. My doctor advised to double up on my pills during those few weeks, when it really seems to bother me. Seems to work somewhat. My middle son Jared, he is 8,Keith and I went to a Red Wings game last night . Poor Tyler is had to stay home due to the flu. Jared played a game at the Joe Louis rink, before the wings played. He scored the first goal, 4 minutes into the first period.! And our team won 3-1. Jared met the owner of the Wings and got a puck signed from Osgood, a shirt that says "I played hockey Joe" puck from his coach with his goal information on it and some other goodies. After his game the team went and had some dinner, then we all stayed for the Wings game. The coaches picked four kids names out of a hat, and they got to have a shoot out during intermission with the team we played earlier. Jared was not one of the four, but he did not mind. He rooted his teammates on. It brought back memories for me because we did the same thing with my older son David. He was picked for the shootout. My sons will have that memory forever. The game was exciting. The wings won the game. It was a great night out. I also have our annual hockey bowling fundraiser coming up soon. That is always a good time. Keith and I do not get to spend alot of time alone together so I cannot wait for that. Hopefully I will be able to bowl. I need to ask my Doctor about that next week. I never really thought about it untill this moment, I may not even be able to bowl. If not I still will go. The parents on the team are a great group of people.I will admit... hockey does take alot of our time and money but, my boys are worth it. We love the sport and the boys love to play. And of course, they are all great players, lol. Tyler leads his team in goals and Jared's team has won all six games they have played. I missed the last tournament because of my health but Jared team is planning on going to Great Wolf Lodge soon. That place is fun.I will be able to wear my bathing suit and not have to worry about my sagging boobs, he he he. So live is looking up for me. My birthday is on Thanksgiving this year. I have so much to be thankful for. I am alive and a cancer survivor now. That seems weird to say. But Molly says so! I had a comment from a lady named Angie. Not sure how she found me, but so glad she is reading my blog. Angie has two beautiful girls and one has just been diagnosed with autism. You will be in my prayers. And thanks for the prayers back. The Lord gives us these challenges. Trust in him. The time will come someday and he will tell us "why". Until then, I just thank him for life,family, friendship and love. Of course that devil trys to get me but, I need to send him on his way. I love the Lord and I am following his word.Busy day tomorrow at work. I have six babies to photograph. Better get to bed it is late. Love and kisses to all.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Life is good

Wow, where to begin. I am healing well from my surgery. I have finally researched online about my nerve pain and found some helpful information. I read about the drug lyrica. I called my doctor and asked about a prescription for it since the pain pills he perscribed have not been working. My chest has been hurting so bad, and I could not stand the pain anymore. One day on the Lyrica and...........NO PAIN. It is completely gone. I feel great. I have cut way, way back on my pain pills. I thing tomorrow I will not even take them. I go for my second pump-up on Tuesday. I Love Tuesdays. I am wearing a sports bra now and I am loving it. My fundraiser ended on Thursday. Joy, Liane, Aunt Gail and Gina went to the home office for the potato lunch and the drawing. I loved their company. With every ones help, Women's Life was able to collect 1,026.00 with half going to me and half going to a lucky lady named Collette. Like I mentioned before, Women's Life will also add 500.00 to my half. They had a Jewelery sale at the home office and the proceeds from that will be donated to me too. I feel so blessed to have so many people who care about me. Having this money will help tremendously with paying many of my doctor bills off. AMEN. Tonight I went with my friend Sue (Joy was suppose to go also, but she is home very sick. She was in my prayers tonight) to dinner and to a christian concert. The band was Sanctus Real. If you have never heard their music, please Utube them. They are awesome!!! Worshiping the Lord on a Friday night, life is good. It was amazing to see so many young teenage kids there. I felt all night that the Lord was smiling down on the group. How nice to see so many kids that have given their hearts to the Lord. It has been two hours and I still have the holy spirit in my heart. It feels so good. I hope anyone who reads my blog knows Jesus and has a personal relationship with him. He loves all of us! I am still trying to figure out why he chose me to have cancer at such a young age. What is his purpose? I search for the reasoning daily. I do know that since my diagnosis, my life has slowed down. I do not party as much. I also lean on him often, which I know he loves. And I love worshipping him. My relationship with Keith has improved big time. So I guess I do see the blessings. My Church friends have been a blessing too. Rob and Patty, they sent me a 100.00 check yesterday. They are such caring people. With the economy the way it is in Michigan, helping me financially......... that is true kindness. I know Patty has read my blog in the past so, if you are still checking in, Please know I Love You Guys. Work has been going good. I have has lots of babies. They just lift my spirits ALWAYS. Hockey games for both boys tomorrow. I will be back after the games.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

HELPING TO KEEP MY SPIRITS UP

WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO
CANCER IS SO LIMITED

IT CANNOT CRIPPLE LOVE
IT CANNOT SHATTER HOPE
IT CANNOT CORRODE FAITH
IT CANNOT DESTROY PEACE
IT CANNOT KILL FRIENDSHIP
IT CANNOT SUPPRESS MEMORIES
IT CANNOT SILENCE COURAGE
IT CANNOT INVADE THE SOUL
IT CANNOT STEAL ETERNAL LIFE
IT CANNOT CONQUER THE SPIRIT

Healing slowley

Today I was quite tired. I got the kids off to school and slept most of the day. The pain seems to be better. My fundraiser has been coming along great. Keith has been selling tickets at his work for me for the last week. He sold 180.00. Such a good husband! I do not have many friends so with his help I was able to help out. A friend today bought 40.00 worth and told Keith to just put my name on them all! God Bless Him! Everyone at his work has been so generous. It is a good feeling knowing that we have many people who care about me are willing to help us. Keith has worked with these guys for many years and they are like brothers to him. I cannot wait to pay some of my medical bills off, less stress for me and Keith. When I get stressed, everyone in the house suffers. I have been feeling upbeat lately. Just knowing that my reconstruction is on it's way.... helps. Halloween is tomorrow. I will be staying home and handing out the candy. I hear the weather is suppose to be in the 60"s. That will be nice for the kids. Our friends Sue and Roger invited us to a Halloween Party Saturday night. If I am feeling better we may go for a bit. I cannot wait until tomorrow to remove the bandages and tape from my chest. It is so uncomfortable. I am curious to see what I look like. I feel so swollen but, I guess that is expected. I will not be seeing Dr. Ali for two weeks. That will give me time to heal before I start my pump-ups. After my expander's were put in he did pump me up. Keith said That Dr. Ali put 250cc in one side and 200cc in the other. I do know that this time I will take it slow. I do not want any problems.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Life is looking up.

Just a quick post while Keith is at the grocery store. He did the shopping for me. I like it when he shops, but he always seems to spend alot of money. I thank the Lord for keeping him busy at work. He is still on the CNC machines and working overtime again this week. He is driving to Grand Haven again on Friday for work, too. I worry about him driving there and back in one day, since it is a three and a half hour drive, but he does not mind. He has been busy cleaning a deer these last few days. His friend Dave got and deer and he is sharing it with us. We like venison and since groceries are so expensive the meat with be nice. Joy called to see how my surgery went. She is so kind. I hope she knows how much I appreciate all she does for me. Now that the wedding is over she can relax a bit. I know she has been so busy.

cleavage, not much...but on my way!

I went for surgery yesterday. I finally got my tissue expander put back on. My doctor even pumped me up so....... I have "a tiny bit' of boob now, and some cleavage. I do not look so flat and sunken in. Dr. Ali said everything went great.My friend Steph gave me a tip. Keep putting lotion on my incisions and that will help stretch the skin easier. So since I had the expander's taken out, in September, I have been faithfully using my lotion. Hopefully, I will stretch fast so that I can get my implants put in and be done with it. I have not been smoking this past month (besides 3 days). I am still proud of myself. That should help with any complications.I am in a bit of pain, but my pain pills help and I have been relaxing all day today. I am looking forward to getting my weekly pump-ups. That seemed to keep my spirits up. I did meet a nurse at the hospital that had breat cancer too. Seems like it is everywhere. October is almost over. I never really thought of it as "Brest Cancer Awareness Month" untill my diagnosis. I will admit... I am gonna miss October.

Indiana Trip

I had a busy weekend. Headed to Indiana on Friday. I had been looking forward to having a weekend to spend with my friends and being with Joy and her daughter on her wedding day . I rode with Karen, Sue and her husband Marv. The wedding was very nice. Stephanie looked beautiful,. Joy looked very nice too (she always does!) All day on Saturday my chest felt painless. I think God was looking over me. I had a great day. Weddings always make me cry, so I did have a few tears. I did some dancing at the reception. I do remember as they were playing a slow song, wishing Keith was with me. The food was great too. At our hotel, Marve made us breakfast one morning, since we both has kitchenettes in our room. I feel much more relaxed now that I have had 2 weekends by myself, with no kids. I needed this time. I actually, almost, went all weekend without thinking about cancer. It seems to always be on my mind. I hope as time goes on, I will get back to living my life without that on my mind.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Overtime helps

Well things are finally looking up for Keith at work. He is on overtime still.The extra money is nice. The only downfall, they want him to work Saturday, and I am not going to be here. I will be in Indiana. I am hoping my older son David will babysit. But the good thing, now I do not need to stress so much about the bills. My fundraiser has started too. I have so many great friends and family selling tickets to help make this fundraiser a success. I even have people that I do not even know from my life insurance company selling them too. I am excited about that. Being able to pay my medical bills off will be a blessing. Thanks to all ( Keith,Liane, Brenda, Michelle, Hilary, Diane, My Aunt Gail, my boys, and all the people I do not even know) who are selling the tickets and helping to make my life less stressful. I appreciate all they are doing for me. I hope to someday to return the gesture and help someone who is in need. My life has been a roller coaster since my diagnosis. Today has been a good day. My chest felt pretty good and my stress level stayed low. I did spend time with Liane and friends from Church on Saturday. Her band played downtown for a party the Bridge Builders put on. They provided all kinds of free food and lots of booths to just browse around and look at things the city does for people who are less fortunate. Makes me count my blessings for sure. Some people have it alot worse than I do. Surgery day is closing in. I am a bit nervous . I hope I will not need to have drain tubes in again. Those are a pain. I want to get better soon so I can go back to work. My doctor assures me that I will only need one week off. I pray he is right!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A weekend alone??? how will I manage?

I find myself reading a beautiful card that Stu sent me, he goes to my Church. He mentions "to pay attention to what you are thinking about". I find myself often thinking the wrong things. His card has helped during rough times. Reminding me to think positive. I am still struggling with these scared, sad, weird feelings. I am still in pain daily, and it is hard not to think about it, but I am trying my best. My cancer doc. told me the pain is from all my nerves being cut in my breasts from my masectomy, and it will eventually go away. I just hope is it sooner than later. I will be heading back in for surgery, to get my expander's put back in, in two weeks. Then it is back to my weekly pump-ups. Hopefully once I heal from being cut open, time #4, and start getting the pump-ups, I will start feeling normal again. I cannot stand looking at my flat, sunken in chest. I am droopy on one side from the pump -ups before. I did get a few mastectomy bras and the prosthesis, but they are uncomfortable because my sides are still swollen and tender, so I just go bra-less, it looks so flat but as least I am more comfortable that way. I have been very moody and just plain hard to get along with lately. I feel bad for my family, but hopefully some day they will understand. This "Journey" in my life has been tough, and it is not over yet! I will be spending time alone for 4 days this weekend, though. I have been doing laundry for the past couple of hours. I am helping my husband and sons get packed for a hockey tournament up in Sault St. Marie. My middle son (Tyler) is playing and Keith is taking Jared ( my youngest) with him too. Jared loves to go to the hotels for the swimming and fun. I decided awhile back that I would stay home this time, to have some alone time. I do have to work on Friday and Sunday and I did not think I would be up for the long drive at this time, about 5 1/2 hours from home.As the weekend is approaching I am feeling kinda sad. I love heading out of town for the tournaments. Eating out all weekend, watching Tyler play hockey and no cleaning is fun, fun, fun! I just have to remember that there will be more tournaments to come. Hopefully I will be feeling better for the next one. In the meantime, I will focus on relieving my stess and enjoying the time alone, I do not get that very often. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I had a whole day to myself, let alone four days. I need to enjoy myself. This will help me get back on track with my "non smoking" too. I had a set back last week and I had a few days that I smoked. I am on day two of trying again to quit. Having Thursday through Sunday to myself will help. I am going to a breast cancer luncheon on Saturday. That will be a nice time. My life insurance lady, Diane, (she also goes to my Church), announced last Sunday that Women's Life Insurance has offered to have a 50-50 fundraiser for me, to help with my medical bills. And to top it off, they will match the donations up to 500.00. I think that is so wonderful. She is such a kind,caring lady. I appreciate that she brought my situation up at the club meeting. I have many medical bills that I am making monthly payments on, so it will be nice to pay some of them off, less stress is good!Diane also makes sure I get my insurance payments in. She will call and remind me If I am late. I just love that about her. I have surely been blessed having her as my agent and friend from Church. It looks like Keith may be back up on hours, for the time being. That is a good feeling. He is working up front, on the CNC machines. I need to realize that God will take care of us and not get myself so worked up when times are tight. I should be fortunate that Keith and I both have jobs. Times are tight for many people now. I have been working more hours at work. Lots of babies being born. I often think.... to have the life of a baby, no worries at all. My job brings a smile to my face often. but then again, I am only there part time. I will be going to a work meeting tomorrow night. It is out of town so, I will car pool with my partner at work, Sharon. The company will be feeding us dinner (Olive Garden, Yum). I got a nice comment from a women who has this same rare cancer. Her name is Kristina and she read my blog and was kind enough to give me great advice about chemo. Pretty much the same think Molly has been telling me. I look forward to hearing from her again. I finally got on to the site where there are message boards on this rare cancer. I have been trying for awhile. For some reason I was having trouble, but I am good to go now. I do not feel so alone now. I will be able to read stories from other women, going through the same thing I am and also get advice. I will spend some time this weekend reading the posts again. Thanks to my ACC sister, Molly for informing me about the site. And thanks to Kristina for her concern for me. It means so much to me.My decision is made.... no chemo for me. Now, to have peace with my decision. I just pray it never ever comes back.My friend Joy is on my heart, like she is often. She had a birthday recently. She is 49 and looking great.Unlike her, I did not make a special trip to her home to give her her gift (she always brings mine to my house) I will give it to her next weekend. I hope she understands,I know she understands! I talk to her often about my problems. She pretty much knows my life story. I laugh often because she reminds me of something that has happened in my life, lol. Good thing I got her around, what a great friend. She know times have been rough for me these last few weeks. I did get another beautiful card from her, reminding me to focus on our Creator.I hate to repeat myself, but, I am so lucky to have a friend like her in my life. I can count on her for anything! I know I mentioned it before but, I cannot wait until next weekend. Her daughter is getting married. It will be a beautiful wedding.I keep Joy's sister in my prayers often too, she battling cancer and does not have much time to live. Seems that cancer is everywhere. The wonderful thing, if there is anything wonderful about cancer, sickness and death,... she is a Christian. God has her home all prepared! This women has the peace that I long for.Joys mom is doing much better now too, she was in the hospital again and now has been put on a feeding tube. She is one strong lady. And Joy has been helping take care of her so that she is able to stay in her home during her older years. One thing about Joy, she has a heart of gold and she cares! I did watch the debates tonight... I will not say who I am voting for. I just hope The Lord guides whoever wins, we sure need his help. Times are only gonna get worse before it gets better. This is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I hope all my friends are getting their mamograms. I remind my friend Sue often to make her appointment. She gets annoyed at me sometimes but, oh well. I care about her.I need to get to bed. but I will be back tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

sleepless night

I did not get much sleep last night. I am concerned about my chemo and making the right decision. I thought about it all night. I actually have three opinions, not just two. The first is from my oncologist.... my choice, with a 10% increase in my cure rate if I do the chemo. I have a 80% cure rate as of now and can improve it to 90%, the second is from my surgeon.... I was brought up in the "board meeting" with 3 oncologists and a few surgeons and doctors.... they recommend I do chemo since like I said last night, it is a systematic disease and it could have spread already and the chemo will kill any cells still in my body. But my question is ... Does it kill it? my mom did chemo and the cancer still came back! Many people do chemo and get cancer again. But then, I feel once they cut ya open it spreads anyway, not sure if that is the way to look at things. And then I have the opinion of my second opinion doctor ( which is a much bigger hospital.. St Joe's Medical Center) and that oncologist feels that chemo does not respond to this type of cancer. And then there is my friend Molly... her doctor feels that chemo does not work either... So now what???? Hopefully when I go to Karmos Cancer Center someone there will have experience with this type, (non of my doctors so far have had experience with it!) I need to make a decision.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

second guessing myself

I just had to blog for a quick minute. I have been so busy with the boys and hockey games ,and I am back to work and have been busy with the babies that I have not had time to even get online. I went to see my surgeon today. I wanted his opinion on this chemo option. He did feel that he got all my cancer but at the "board meeting" the doctors felt I should do chemo. He said that cancer is a systematic disease. I could have cancer cells still inside me somewhere. He again said this type is not so "cut and dry" and it is my decision. Why do I second guess myself. I thought I had my mind made up. But then again, I think to myself "I went as far as to have BOTH my breasts removed and I would be upset if I did not do chemo and I end up getting cancer again, when I could have killed any cells that might still be inside of me now." I am again so so confused. This has to be the most hardest decision I have ever had to make. I am asking to God to give me an answer but so far I am getting no help. I do not want to worry anymore. I am still leaning toward NO CHEMO, but I am going to make an appointment at Karmos Cancer Center and get their opinion. I need another doctor to assure me that chemo does not work on my type of breast cancer. I do not understand why I am getting two different opinions. I will try not to get all stressed out.

Monday, September 22, 2008

making the right choice for me

I had a long tough weekend considering the decision I had to make about my chemo-therapy. I went to Tyler's hockey game on Saturday, we won 5-1. This was the second game of this season. Tyler had 4 goals. I see he has not lost his touch, last season he finished with 99 goals. It felt so good getting out of the house and enjoying the day, letting go of my problems and having some excitement. Church on Sunday was quite emotional. Seems I have been letting the tears roll, but I sure feel good when I leave. I have decided that having an 80% chance that my cancer is gone is a good thing! The 10% increase in my cure rate if I do chemo, is not worth the sickness of chemo to me. My cancer doctors nurse called me today, and his opinon is that my cure rate increase 10% with chemo but he had no proven fact on that. That is just his opinon. My second opinon doctor took my case to the "tumor board" when I was first diagnosed ( I talked about that early on in my blogging). The oncologist on the team felt that my type of cancer does not respond to chemo. All that I have read, it seems that way, and my cancer sister, Molly, was told that by her doctor too. I did not hear from my surgeon today, but I am positive his opinon was the same, chemo will not have a response. And considering that I would still have a 10% percent chance of it coming back even if I do the chemo, I will leave it up to God. I want to move on with my life, and put it in his hands. He has the plan and I cannot stress about it anymore. I will pray that it does not come back, but if it does... I will deal with it then. I had lots of advice from friends and family that I love dearly, and they helped me make my decision. After talking with my husband we decided that "if it ain"t broke, then do not fix it" My cancer doctor said my condition is one of those where the choice had to be mine. He cannot tell me I need chemo,like he does with some of his paitents. I wish it was that easy. I have been fine with what the doctors felt was the best for me up to this point, but of course it cannot be that easy. Since my diagnosis, nothing has been easy. It has been a struggle, but I made it this far. Things need to improve for me. I am feeling better mentally and physically, prayer really does help. I went back to work today. No pictures to take, but there are lots of babies for tomorrow. I am working for Jody because she is sick and cannot work. It felt good being back to work. I also went and got sized for my new bras and prosthesis. I will get four of them... two nude, one black and one white. They fit real nice. Considering I have been walking around bras less and flat, having the new bras lifted my spirits a bunch, and my chest,lol. I also got invited to a breast cancer luncheon that is coming up soon at the Yacht Club. Liane will be joining me. From what I have been told it will be a nice time. I could sit here and blog for hours, but kids need baths and then homework time. I will keep my friend Joy in my prayers tonight. Her mom is still in the hospital and her sister is dealing with cancer too. Life for her has been tough this last year, so I ask God to give her some peace tonight as she sleeps. I look forward to spending time with her when we go to Indiana for her daughters wedding.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Happy Birthday Mum

Well, I have had an emotional couple of weeks. I think I have been in a state of depression. Blogging has really kept my mind off all my health issues and even that has become "not fun" to me. I did lots of praying last night and hopefully I will come out of this. I hate the way I feel. Physical and emotional pain, decisions to make (My cancer doctor mentioned chemo, I was always told this type of cancer I have does not respond to chemo, I will find out more on Monday), and just the stresses of my ever day life. I cannot handle it. But this morning I wake up and realize today would have been my mothers birthday. She would have been 64. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU MUM. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. These last 19 years sure went by fast. Seems like yesterday that I can hear her laugh on the phone, her steak dinners, my visit to Arizona to visit her, helping her pick out her casket and telling us "I want to be shown for three days!"( which we did and it was a good thing. My mom has so so many friends), watching her be carried into the house after her chemo treatments, rubbing her feet and telling her how much I loved her and will miss her, and even her words to me "find a good Church and start going" Boy do I miss her. I can relate now to all she went through with her breast cancer. How much she suffered. I know she is looking down at me and she does not want me to be in all this pain. So for her I will have a good day. I am going to watch Tyler play hockey. I will but on a happy face, after I take my pain pill, lol. And enjoy the beautiful day. I will try to forget all my problems and enjoy life. I am alive and I will live for the moment. Thank you God I am alive and rest in peace mum. And, I did what you asked... I found an awesome Church with wonderful, helpful friends and I quit smoking!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

A short prayer

Just a short prayer before bed. Dear Lord, please keep Mrs Stein and Joys sister close to your heart. Give them comfort and peace knowing you are there with them ,always. They all need your blessings. Please guide my son to make better choices. Amen

Returning the Kindness. On a Tuesday. Tuesdays are Great!

I did go to see Doc. Ali today and he removed my drain tubes. I feel like a new women. Boob less again, but feeling good! I was just starting to get some breast and now...flat as a board, flatter then the initially mastectomy, not a pretty site. I did have a nice long talk with Dr. Ali. This was my first visit alone, Keith did not leave work to be with me. I can handle it by myself now. Doctor Ali again assured me that all will work out (easy for him to say, but I go with it) .In a few days I will get fitted for my special bras and get prosthesis to go in my bras. So under clothing I will look somewhat normal. Because I sure do not look normal right now. I try not to look at my chest too much it brings me down. I should be feeling great for my trip to Indiana though, for Joys daughters wedding, next month. Dr Ali agreed to wait until I come back to cut me open again, to put the expander's back in. Amen. I also can go back to work next week. Things are looking up. I Hope they are still going to take me back. My boss never called me back today. Something else I would like to share.....Since I was diagnosed with breast cancer I have been able to see the kindness in peoples hearts. My family, friends,my new friends I have met online, and even people at Keith's work have really amazed me. I am still receiving kindness and friendship as I write. They have all did more for me than I had expected. I have kinda been getting spoiled a bit! I have been on the receiving end for the last few months for sure! I know first hand what a great feeling it is knowing people are kind enough to want to be there to support me, and help me in many different ways. Today I got to return the good deeds. Keith's long time friends (Mike and Roger), their mother, was in the hospital on Life Support last week. Her sugar dropped to life threatening status. It was a miracle that she pulled through it, Thank God. But then, this week she returned to the hospital only to be told she had a aneurysm in her heart. She again made it through again. She was on my heart last night, so today after my doctors appointment I took a ride to the hospital to visit her. I have known Mrs Stein for as long as I have known Keith, (23 years). I always enjoyed our talks when I would see her. She is like me, she loves to talk. I just went for a short half hour visit but, I did not realize the impact I would have on her and her husband, Mr. Stein (Paul).Mike called me to tell me how much she appreciated me coming up to see her. She was so happy, he said, after I left. Mrs. Stein was so worried about me, so I was able to show her I was fine, (gotta be). We had a nice visit, did lots of catching up, I prayed with them and even invited them to my Church. Of course I invite all my family and friends I love and care about to come fellowship with me. I get FED big time at my Church. If you have never attended Blessed Hope, it is unexplainable. It took me some time of attending to really appreciate what I was hearing, but I can say now...... I Love it. Sometimes what I hear is not always what I want to hear, but I need it, it is Gods word and it helps me to try my best to be a better person. I understand what my friend Liane always said..... she trys her best not to do things that she knows would not make Jesus happy, she does not want to let him down. She is aware of that always! I understand it now! So I try and try to make him happy and do my best. I am aware. Today I felt My Lord's" presence. Like he was smiling down at me. I let Mr and Mrs Stein know I really would like to help in any way I can. Mr Stein actually got chocked up and said how much he loved his wife (so sweet) and did not want to lose her. I have lots of free time until I go back to work, so hopefully I can be helpful in some way to them. In our talk, I was able to explain to them that my "faith" keeps me strong, even though I have the "C" word, And I told her I thank God for the peace he has given me through this whole experience. And I think he wants to keep her around for a bit longer. Her family relies on her so very much, lol. She laughed at that comment. I went on my way home after our visit.. In the car ride home I did pray that God show me how to be more understanding with my husband. Something about having cancer, It makes me want 150% of Keith's time. Like 90% is not enough for me! I know "My Lord" is sometimes disappointed in me and I am working on that. Today made me realize that in the blink of an eye..... The one you love could be gone.It was a wake up call for me. It did feel great being on the giving end this day.Thanks to all my family (especially Keith and all of his help) and my friends (especially Joy, she has that special "giving" heart), I was able to give back a bit of what has been given to me.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

I can do it

Just wanted to brag one more time......I AM A NON SMOKER!!!!!!!!! Thanks to my sister, I was able to get the chantix pill, she used it and it worked for her, Amen. It really does make you not think about smoking. The first week was so easy, now I am thinking cigarettes again! I have been doing lots of praying and reading my non smoking book from Brenda. I can and will do this. I think I will drink a glass of wine. And just relax. I love my friends and family!!!!!! Keith woke up today and did four loads of laundry, made breakfast, loaded the dishwater, ran it, emptied it and reloaded it, and now he is off to off -ice hockey practice. Thanks to Joy for the nice card, and books for me, and Keith"s card(keep his coming) he was a cleaning machine this morining, lol Hope you called the doc. I do not need anymore stress!!! Remember to pray for Molly and her results on the check xray. Neither one of us need any more bad news.

Friday, September 5, 2008

THE WEAVER

My life is but a weaving
between my God and me
I do not choose the colors
He worketh steadily
Often times he weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the under side
Not till the loom is silent
And shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the purpose
And explain the reason why
The dark threads are as needful
in the skillful Weavers hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern he has planned

Another Day, Another Breath

I AM A NON SMOKER!!!! I almost had a set back last night. Thanks to my friend Brenda and the awesome book she let me borrow.... The Easy Way To Quit by Allen Carrs. I reread some of it and I WILL NOT LET THAT NASTY CIGARETTE CONTROL MY LIFE ANY MORE. Anyone who is struggling to quit, I highly recommend this book. It is great.

Prayers for Molly

Please pray for Molly, ACC survivior. She has had a cough for a few weeks now and will be getting a chest x-ray today. I know she is nervous. I ask God to give her peace today and comfort her. Once you are diagnoised with cancer, every little ache or pain gets you all worked up. I hope someday to not have to worry. But for now Molly and I can relate! Good Luck Molly!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

TRAILS: PART OF HIS LOVING PLAN,

"How Can A Good God Of Love, who has everything in His control, let such a thing happen to me?" So asked a young women who had received severe injuries through a fall from a horse. "Crippled for life," she overheard the doctor say.
The pastor was silent for a moment. "Did you suffer much pain when they put on the cast?
"The pain was terrible," she replied.
"Where was your father then?"
"He stood right by me," she replied.
"Did your father allow the doctor to hurt you that way?"
"Yes, but that was necessary."
"Did your father allow the doctor to hurt you even though he loved you, or because he loved
you?"
"You mean to suggest that because God loves me,
He also allowed me to be hurt?"
The pastor answered with a nod, "This thing is from me." Let these five words from 1Kings 12:24 comfort you. They will furnish a silver lining to the cloud. Yours is not a case of "hard luck." This trial was planned by God."
If you are His Child, He is preparing you for better service. Shakespeare said, "in sickness, let me not so much say, "Am I getting better of my pain?" but, "am I getting better for it? "
Let us not say, "When will I be getting out of this?' but, "What will I be getting out of this?'
HE WILL DRAW YOU CLOSER TO HIM, THROUGH THIS TRIAL
.

quiet day today

I am quite sore today. My drain tubes hurt. I do not remember them being this painful. On the good side, only five more days till Tuesday. Hopefully Dr. Ali will take them out then. My breasts (or what was my breasts)look so ugly, I am all stitched up and flat as a board. I cryed a bit today. But, it will take time. All will be ok.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

To The Operating Room Again

I went to see my plastic surgeon today, Dr. Ali. Boy, I just count down the days until Tuesdays, (doctor day). Hopefully as time goes on will not be so obsessed with seeing my doctors. Keith came with me, like he has since day one. His work has been great about him leaving work to be with me, having time off and sometimes not coming in at all. But the paychecks do stink! I really need him with me though for support, and my second pair of ears. Retaining the information seem hard to me, at times. That is one of the reasons I am blogging now. I will never ever forget this Journey. Every step of the way. Keith had a nice talk with his boss and foreman this morning before he left to come pick me up. They assured him that that if he needs anything, let them know, they will help. His boss Chuck's wife has cancer also, so he fully understands the emotional toll it can take on a family and how time consuming all the appointments can be. I said a prayer him and his family again. Keith has worked there for (I think) 19 years. Most of the guys that work there have been there for years and they are like brothers. Good times and some bad, but all in all,he likes his job. When Doctor Ali saw my incisions and how terrible they looked. He sent me for outpatient surgery within the hour. I was not expecting that. Here we go again. Getting prepped, IV, questions,nervous, comfortably wrapped in warm blankets,hungry, yes hungry,and thankful to be alive. "breathe deep" they said.... one. two, I was out. Doctor Ali removed my tissue expander's from both sides and cut quite a bit of dead skin out of each breasts. They had a term for the procedure, but I do not remember the name of it. My luck, it cannot be just one breast giving me problems, it is both! He fixed me all up, reassuring us that this was just a "minor setback" I did not have an infection so that was a blessing. But, I do have the drain tubes back in. Funny thing, I do not mind a bit. It is better than having to deal with fluid seeping out of my breasts whenever it wanted to, having to change my shirts often and changing my sheets. The drain tubes are "a piece of cake" this time around. This time Doctor Ali will let my body heal for six weeks and then put back in the tissue expander's and begin the pump ups again. After struggling with trying to quit smoking since my diagnosis, I am officially a non smoker as of 2pm Friday the 29th of Aug. Smoking is pathetic and it stinks!!!. I am not bummed that I cannot have a cigarette, I am rejoicing that I AM A NON SMOKER, and God does answer prayers. That should improve my health tremendously, along with taking things slower this time. I am a slow healer. I slept when I got home from the hospital and Keith and the boys went to hockey practice. The boys had school today. Summer vacation is over. Tyler is off to his first year in middle school, a six grader, all ready,and Jared is in third grade this year. My friend Molly is the Vice Principal at her school. Good Luck to her as a breast cancer survivor and dealing with all the children. I will say a prayer to God to keep her stress free. I have three sons and could not imagine of being in charge of so many children especially dealing with what we are dealing with.